I Don't Care About Your Kids.

This is something that has been gnawing at me for quite some time now. It seems like everywhere I look now, friends of mine are having kids and feel the need to share every minute detail about them. It's about time that I let all of you know that I don't give a flying fuck about your children.
The problem is especially prevalent on FaceBook. People are posting their pregnancy tests, ultrasounds and then their ugly ass kids. That's another thing, everybody thinks their children are these adorable little creatures when the simple fact is that there are a lot of hideous kids out there, and chances are you are the parents of one. But honestly people, I don't need an update every time your little rug rat takes a shit or says something mildly amusing. Keep that nonsense to yourself. Of course, it is pretty easy to ignore such updates on FB by simply editing who you see on your news feed; it is not as easy in real life. I cannot tell you how many times I'll be outside smoking with someone at work and they just start yasmmering away about what their precious child did or said. The problem here is that I spend 8-12 hours a day in a warehouse with these people, so I can't really just tell them to fuck off. Instead, I kindly smile and nod and think to myself "I DON'T FUCKING CARE!" I'm sure right about now is when some people may say, "That will be you someday.", and they're probably right, but that time is years away. For now, I'm going to enjoy not having to worry about anyone but myself, while you beckon on the calls and needs of that little shit and snot machine you call a "miracle." Just do me a favor, unless I ask, keep me out of it.

I Will Return, and With a Vengeance!

Okay, for the 4 followers I have and anyone else who may have stumbled across this, I would like to apologize. I have been slacking hardcore, and I know this. There are a couple of reasons for my lapses, but nothing really devastating or worth sharing here. Just know that I am in the process of finding a new apartment by months end, so my hiatus will be extended a little longer, but once I'm settled in, by the 2nd week of April, I will be back in that ass with the resurrection. So thank you for your patience, I shall return!

What's the point of New Year's Resolutions?

Well, it's that time of the year again. The time when people will be quitting smoking, working out, dieting, etc. in droves. And I really don't understand it. I was never one to make a Resolution, except maybe to quit smoking here and there (but don't they tell you to set a deadline to quit?), so I never really had to worry about breaking them. Two of the most popular Resolutions are to quit smoking and quit swearing. And I enjoy doing both of those things entirely to much to stop doing either of them.
Now to be clear, when I said earlier that I didn't understand making a New Year's Resolution, it's not that I don't get the reasoning. People making promises to make themselves better, I'm cool with that. No, what I don't get is why people wait till January 1st to do whatever is they are trying to do. First of all, if you want to make a New Year's Resolution, you should do so on your date of birth, since that is technically the start your "new year". But more importantly, if you really want to better yourself, you shouldn't wait till it is trendy to do so. You want to quit smoking? Put the butt out right now. You want to lose weight? Drop the fork and get your floppy ass to the gym. There is no better time than right now. If you are truly serious about improving who you are either physically, mentally or spiritually, then you shouldn't set a date on when to start, you should do it immediately. No one knows how long where going to ride this roller coaster of life, and before you actually get around to bettering yourself, it may be too late. The safety bar may come loose and send you flying face first into the horn of a unicorn on the merry-go-round. (But at least you didn't die from smoking!)

Step Down From the Ledge, Bulls Fans.

I was originally going to write this about a week and a half ago, pointing out the bright spots for the Bulls this season. That, however, was pushed back due to the embarrassing loss to the then one-win Nets (who haven't won a game since, by the way), followed by the infuriating collapse against the Kings.
I was really ready to take a break from watching them. My expectations for this season were extremely high, and with the decent start they came out with, they got even higher. This 4-13 stretch was killing me. But a little hope was restored to me last night, in the shape of an unlikely candidate, so let's start off my list of 5 bright spots this season with him.

1.Tyrus Thomas is back!
Okay, perhaps I'm getting a little ahead of myself with the exclamation point and all, but I really want to believe that Tyrus finally "gets it". Ever since we drafted him, I have wanted Tyrus to succeed. I love his acrobatic dunks, I love his shot blocking skills, I even love the fact that he developed a mid-range jumper to keep opponents honest. (Although not so much when he settles for nothing but jump shots, like he thinks he's Karl Malone) But for the past three years, all Bulls fans have wondered when the hell he was going to put it all together. Well, if Saturday's game against the Hornets was any indication, maybe he finally did it. In 32 minutes off the bench, Tyrus had 21 pts, 9 boards and 2 blocks. He was also flying all over the court (as well as diving out of it) for loose balls. Maybe it was all the pent up energy from missing the past 23 games with that broken arm, or maybe its because he doesn't want to get traded to the Kincks. Either way, all Bulls fans are hoping that Tyrus has pieced it all together, because if he hasn't...


2.Taj is Rising
I'll be honest, when the Bulls drafted Taj Gibson, I had no idea what to expect. All I knew was, besides Elton Brand, the Bulls have not had the best of luck when it comes to drafting big men, more specifically power forwards. It looks like we have finally broken that streak with the big man from USC. In 24 minutes a game, he has averaged 8 pts. and 6 rebounds, as well as providing solid post defense. At only 24 years old, with good power moves down low and a excellent mid-range jumper to boot, Taj could be the starting power forward for years to come.

3. Vinny Del Negro is a Dead Man Walking
Just about every media outlet is reporting that Del Negro is as good as fired, with the hold-up being a replacement coach. And every Bulls fan that I know is ecstatic about the move. It's no secret that the Bulls hired Del Negro strictly as a financial move, considering he was the cheapest and had no coaching experience. However, it is a move that his bitten them in the ass. Forget last season and the impressive run against the Celtics; I am not sure that Vinny has full control over the team and often looks like someone stole his puppy on the sideline. Granted, if the Bulls didn't go through that 4-13 slide, maybe we're not discussing this right now. But he did, and it's time for a change.

4.Joakim Noah is an All-Star
That statement wasn't opinion, that's a fact. If Noah does not make the All-Star team this year, then something is seriously wrong with the system. I must admit that until about halfway through last season, I hated, HATED, Joakim Noah. I hated everything about him, from his goofy hair to the way he shoots, I even nicknamed him "King Retard". You couldn't knock his hustle, but he was a black hole when the ball was passed to him in the post, you just knew he was either going to dribble it off his foot or have it stripped once he put it on the floor.
My hate started to slowly dissipate throughout last season, and by the time the playoff series started against Boston, it was long gone. He was playing defense and grabbing rebounds like a mad man, and when he stole the ball from Pierce and took it the length of the court and dunked over Pierce in the waning moments of Game 6, he provided me with one of the best plays I was fortunate to witness in person. That was it, no more "King Retard". He hustled his way into my heart, and this season has cemented a place in there for me. Thanks to an off-season program that bulked him up (Perkins and Big Baby routinely abused him in the playoffs), and focused on developing a post game, no more am I afraid when he gets the ball down low. Add to the mix him averaging a double double so far (11 pts, and 12 boards, which is good enough for 2nd in the league) and it's no secret that Noah should be an all-star, as well as a serious candidate for most improved player.

5. Derrick Rose
My love affair with Rose is well-known. From the moment the Bulls secured the Number One pick two years ago, I knew Rose was the guy. He didn't disappoint last season, winning Rookie of the Year as well as winning game one against Boston almost single-handedly. One of my only knocks against him last year was the fact that late in games he was dishing off to Gordon almost immediately and letting BG try to create his own shot (which Bulls fans know is pretty much impossible). However, a lot of that blame could be put on Del Negro, who called BG's number instead of just giving the ball to Rose and letting him do what he does best.
This season started off slow due to the ankle injury that sidelined him for the entire preseason. He (predictably) looked rusty the first couple of weeks, and some people were wondering if maybe it was a sophomore slump. He has bounced back quickly, displaying the moves and quickness that oohed and ahhed Bulls fans all of last year. Don't forget folks, he's only 21, and as long as the Bulls are able to secure one of the big free agents in the off-season (my oh my how an all-Chicago backcourt of Rose and Wade would look), his potential will fully blossom and he will be able to dominate the league ala Chris Paul or Steve Nash.

Keep your heads up, Bulls fans, there are plenty of silver linings on this black cloud of a season so far.

2 Random Thoughts on "The Breakfast Club"

First of all I would like to say that "The Breakfast Club" is one of my favorite movies. Great story, great cast, awesome dialogue and an on point representation of teenage angst. However, a couple of thoughts came to me upon my latest viewing.

1. You DO NOT want to smoke weed with Andrew Clark
The pot smoking scene is one of my favorites, if only for the realism of it, at least most of it. You have Bender, Claire and Brian smoking a joint and, surprisingly, it hits the nail on the head. Movies usually portray pot smokers as burnouts and general goofballs. While Claire and Brian act kinda goofy, it's mainly the fact that they are amateur tokers. I love how Bender just sits back and seems to enjoy these rookie smokers, the veteran corrupting the newbies.
Everything is going swimmingly until we get a glimpse of what Andy is up to. We find out that he is hotboxing the Foreign Languages room, and emerges as the Incredible fucking Hulk. He storms out of the room with a hellish look in his eyes and proceeds to run a track meet around the library, disrobing in the process. After his lap, he goes back into the FL room and lets out a beastly scream that shatters the glass door in the process. (How Vernon didn't hear that ruckus is beyond me) Imagine how much of a buzzkill this guy would be if he was in your circle of friends. You're passing around a joint, watching some Comedy Central when all of a sudden Andy Clark gets up and starts smashing the hell out of your living room while screaming so loud your neighbors call the police on suspicion of a wildebeest mauling.
It would have been a little more realistic if he had simply took a couple of puffs and decided that his old man and wrestling wasn't worth all the bullshit. Instead of hoping that his knee would give, he would've just said "fuck it".

Speaking of fucking (check the segueing skills)...

2.The Breakfast Club would make a great porno movie.
I can't claim this all to myself. My buddy Sarge was over watching TBC with me when we started discussing the possibilities. Honestly, you wouldn't have to change much, just one little cast tweaking is all it would take. Since we have two females and three males, we would just have to make Vernon into a female to even things out. After that though, just use actual scenes as lead-ins to all the fornication. For example, the scene where Bender is staring at Claire's crotch under the desk is perfect! An impromptu cunnilingus session that leads to the principal investigating the ruckus which in turn leads to an orgy. The principal finding Bender in the gym is another one, as is Vernon and the Janitor in the basement files. This whole movie just screams (or should I say moans) for a perverted remake. Call it "The Sexfest Club" or, if you are a little more bold, "The Breakfast Cunt". The choice is yours.

And yes, these are the typical thoughts that flow through my head all day long.

Oldie But Goodie: Eden's Fall

EDEN’S FALL

Howling shrieks like newborn children ripped from the womb,
Fire spewing from all around.
Black, empty shapes
Wrapped up in the think gray fog—
A security blanket for the eternally sleeping.
Basking in the searing heat,
Perched like a crow in the moonlit sky,
The laughing King
Stands triumphant on his throne of skulls.

Monster

MONSTER

The party was dying down and Dave led the girl he met earlier tonight up to his room. He couldn’t remember her name for the life of him and he really didn’t give a shit. There was only one thing on his mind: pussy, plain and simple. She was making observations about the pictures lining the stairwell, mumbling incoherently due to the booze and various drugs that Dave had bestowed upon her for the past 5 hours. They reached the top of the stairs and entered Dave’s room. He flicked on the black light, lit a couple of candles and put on some Nirvana; what’s-her-name mentioned they were her favorite band. They were now sitting on his bed, Dave rubbing her shoulders, asking questions about school. She muttered something about being a freshman, the rest was pretty much indecipherable. “A freshman!” Dave thought. “Easy pickings.” She turned around and they began making out. Dave’s hands were roving all over this little lamb’s body; the hunter feeling out his prey. He started to slide his hand down her pants, but she grabbed it and told him to slow down. Dave scanned her tight body, dressed in skintight black pants and a white tube top that accentuated the tits that he was fixated on since she walked into the house. He made another attempt to squirm his way into her pants. She resisted again, but he became forceful, holding her down. “Stop! Please don’t do this to me!” He scoffed at her pleas as he ripped off her pants revealing that she was not wearing any panties. He penetrated her tight, resisting pussy and the feeling struck him immediately, a virgin! She started to scream again, but he covered her mouth and continued to work her over. He looked at this little lamb in front of him, noticed the tears gushing down her face and the blood trickling onto his sheets. This only made him fuck her harder. He finally came, on her, covering her face with his cum. She lay there, sobbing uncontrollably as Dave pulled up his pants and told her “I really was expecting better, get the fuck outta here now!” She slowly wiped off her face with her shirt, got dressed, not looking at him once, and hobbled down the stairs, wincing at every step, out the front door. Dave satisfyingly lit a Marlboro and laughed as he recalled some of her first words to him earlier in the night: “You have such an honest face.”